![]() How many years we'd fought for moments - minutes - to be together. I had no idea how desperately we'd been fighting. I had no idea how much we'd lost, no idea how much of him I'd longed for. The only steady, reliable heartbeat I've ever had. To know for certain now that there was at least one mistake I never made.Īaron Warner Anderson is the only emotional through line in my life that ever made sense. ![]() It's an empowering discovery, to find that I can trust myself - even when I'm not myself - to make the right choices. Heavier, like my feet have been more firmly planted, liberated by certainty, free to grow roots here in my own self, free to trust unequivocally in the strength and steadiness of my own heart. My memories of him - memories of us - have done something to me. I can't understand why I can still hear him speaking because I'm dead, I'm already dead, I've died over and over and over again.“In this new, turbulent reality, the one person I recognize is him. Because you never," he says, he breathes, "never want me to stop. I want to feel your heart racing next to mine and I want to know it's racing because of me, because you want me. ![]() I want to be worth your time." His fingers graze the hem of my top and he says "I want this up." He tugs on the waist of my pants and says "I want these down." He touches the tips of his fingers to the sides of my body and says, "I want to feel your skin on fire. "I do want to be your friend." He says "I want to be your best friend in the entire world." I want to know how to convince you to design a smile just for me." I feel his chest rising, falling, up and down and up and down and "Yes," he says. "I want to know where to touch you," he says. I want to know every curve, every freckle, every shiver of your body, Juliette-" "The one who will memorize the things you say as well as the shape of your lips when you say them. I want to be that kind of friend," he says. The one you take into your arms and into your bed and into the private world you keep trapped in your head. "I want to be the friend you fall hopelessly in love with. He nods and I register the slight movement in the air between us. I've never pretended I wanted anything less." ![]() I want you inside and out and catching your breath and aching for me like I ache for you." He says it like it's a lit cigarette lodged in his throat, like he wants to dip me in warm honey and he says "It's never been a secret. "Juliette," he says and he mouths the name, barely speaking at all, and he's pouring molten lava into my limbs and I never even knew I could melt straight to death. Warner kisses Juliette, so she seduces him to get the gun from him. Warner drags Juliette into an abandoned classroom and tells Juliette he loves her. Juliette and Adam split up with Kenji and James, but Adam and Juliette are captured and Warner shoots Adam. I’m falling apart and into his heart and I’m a disaster.” Kenji says that he knows a safe place where they can escape, and they formulate a plan. His nightmares were just that, that they never existed, that it was all just a bad dream that felt far too real but now he’s awake and he’s safe and everything is going to be okay and He’s breathing like he’s lost his mind andhe’s looking at me like something has brokeninside of him, like he’s woken up to find that I've just begun reeling him in, pulling him into me when he breaks away. The taste of him is making me crazy he’s all heat and desire and peppermint and I want more. It’s sweet, it’sĭesperate, like he has to have me, like he’s dying to memorize the feel of my lips against his own. His lips are softer than anything I've ever known, soft like a first snowfall, like biting into cotton candy, like melting and floating and being weightless in water. He says “Please don’t shoot me for this.” ![]() I can’t feel my fingers or the cold or the emptiness of this room because all I feel is him, everywhere,filling everything and he whispers Breathingīetween us and he’s so close, he’s so close and I can’t feel my legs anymore. Loneliness is a bitter, wretched companion. You can't find the words to fight yourself, to fight the words screaming that you're not enough never enough never ever enough. Loneliness is an old friend stand beside you in the mirror, looking you in the eye, challenging you to live your life without it. You doubt you doubt you doubt.Īnd even when you're ready to let go. You fail to fall asleep at night and tremble in your skin. You wake up in the morning and wonder who you are. It's a constant companion, clasping your hand only to yank you down when you're struggling to stand up. It leaves lies in your heart, lies next to you at night, leaches the light out of every corner. It wraps itself around your bones, squeezing so tight you almost can't breathe. It creeps on you, quiet and still, sits by your side in the dark, strokes by your hair as you sleep. ![]()
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